Temporary escape

There’s something romantic about distance. It makes us think that it can cure us, heal us, shield us from the things we desperately don’t want to face. And so when we secretly fantasize, we allow ourselves to believe that in this new place, we’ll be out of reach. We’ll be safe. We’ll be untouchable.

The flight to Melbourne moved quickly at first.  I slept through the initial hours and when I woke, the cabin was dark and everyone around me was sleeping.  No one was sitting next to me, and I straightened my aching legs across the empty seats.  I tried to shut my eyes and fall back asleep, but my attempts failed.  I was on New York time.  My body felt rested and my brain was awake, so there was no turning back.  I tried to distract myself by doodling on a napkin for a while, but remembered that I was no artist and the lack of light wasn’t helping me develop any skill.  I started tapping my pen against the table lightly, but the man behind me began to moan in angry tones, so I quit that too.  I put the pen away to avoid any temptation.

So, I was sitting in a dark airplane cabin, the only light released from the small television mounted on the back of the seat in front of me.  Everyone in my vision was asleep, some wearing earplugs, others eyeshades, a few extremists using both.  I could hear a few snores against the murmur of the engine and the only movement I could see outside is the blinking light of the right airplane wing glowing boldly against the navy backdrop.

Then is when it should have hit.  It made sense that I would feel lonely as I sat in an aircraft filled with sleeping strangers, thousands of miles away from anyone I know.  But I didn’t.  I felt alone, but not lonely.  I was on my own, going to a new place, trying something completely different.  Maybe love isn’t for everyone.  Maybe some people are meant to be independent and free, able to travel the world’s expanse as soon as the desire hits.  I smiled to myself, and pictured the airplane so high above the world, passing over millions of people and animals, a few oceans, and dozens of countries.  I slip into sleep but as my head begins to droop over, there’s no shoulder to lean on.  I lean forward, hide my face into my folded arms, and drift into sleep.

Starting the race

The phone rang.  I stuck my hand under my pillow, slapping my forehead in my drowsy stupor.  "Ow,” I mumbled, keeping my eyes tightly shut and trying to remain in my dreamy state.  My fingers stretched around my cell and pressed the silent button. I rolled over, figuring Paige would get the point that I still needed to be alone.  Ten seconds passed before the phone vibrated. I lifted the phone to my mouth and mumbled into the receiver.  

“Quit it, Paige."  

"Oh bloody hell..." The voice was not Paige's. Neither was the accent. My eyes opened and I looked at the screen. Unknown number. I sat up in bed.   

"Hello?"  My greeting was still barely more than a whisper, and I tried to clear my throat. 

"Yes, hello dear. Can you hear me now? I’m sorry for waking you. I seem to have confused the time zones. Is this Lily?" 

"Yes, it is.”  

"Well Lily, that's a truly lovely name.” 

I crinkled my nose at the way my own name sounded in her bizarre accent.  

"My name is Patricia,” she continued.  “I am calling about the application you filled out for Melbourne Music House in December."  

I rummaged through my brain, trying frantically to recall which application she was referring to.  During break, I had spent a whole night searching for internships at music, film, media, and entertainment companies.  I had applied to every one I found, including one posted on the Columbia recruiting website, but due to the competition for these slots and the months that had passed, I had abandoned all expectations.  

"Are you still there, dear? For the internship position..."  

"Yes, of course.” 

“The team has looked over your CV and we would like to offer you a spot working here, in Melbourne for the winter, June through September." 

I bit my lip.  

"Lily?"  

"Yeah. Yes, sorry. I'm just a little shocked. I would love to."  

I dropped onto my feet and skipped around in circles. 

"Wonderful. We are thrilled to have you. We will work out all the bits and pieces with your school and send you the contract tomorrow. You’ll need to send us dates of your arrival and departure so we can book your flight as well.  Columbia always sends us such wonderful students, truly truly. Back to bed then and I shall call you later in the week. Oh wait, my - how silly of me - have you any questions for me now?"  

"Not really.”  

Patricia giggled. "Alright then, love. That's a pleasure. Speak to you soon. Cheers!" 

"Thank you! Cheers.”  I shut the phone slowly, letting it sink in.  

Less than ten hours after the Skype war, I had found just the escape I needed. I'd have the opportunity to get away, to live in another place for a while, to move for a summer to the furthest place possible on the planet. I couldn't help but wonder if my thoughtless jumping at the opportunity had anything to do with the fact that getting away was the easiest solution. I wouldn't have to face the guys. I wouldn't have to deal with the post-war consequences. I'd found a loophole. But instead of acknowledging these clear motives, I blamed my decision instead on the fact that no other opportunities had presented themselves. And so I began running, and I couldn't have known how long it would be before I hung up my shoes.

I looked around my room.  A few weak sunrays leaked in. I looked at the clock and realized it was 6 in the morning.  I walked to the window, slid it open, and felt the cool air on my face. Then, I moved over to the mirror.  I blinked a few times and felt the growing smile pull on the edges of my puffy lids. I was going to Australia. 

Delusional

No, I'm not. I'm not desperate, obsessed, pathetic, or needy. I'm not crazy. I'm not deranged. I'm not the things you say about me.  I'm hurt. I'm hurting because of me, but because of you too.  I'm hurting because you made me believe something that was not. So while I'm to blame for believing it, you're to blame for the illusion.

Yes, I'm sorry I fell for it, but I'm sorrier for you. Because I'll find the real thing, but you; you'll be stuck somewhere in between your illusion and passing the blame. In an inevitable fantasy, feeling superior and remarkably alone.

- Sex and the big c

Burned by three

The next two days were filled with reflection.  I knew I should talk to Thomas, really talk to him, rather than avoid the situation.  If I took too long to think things over, everything would get even more awkward.  I refused to consider my feelings about him.  Luckily, there were plenty of distractions to divert my attention.

But eventually, fate got involved. As I was cleaning my room one night, I came across a CD Thomas has sent me for my birthday a while back. It was a mix of his own playing and songs he knew I liked. I knew it was mistake but I slipped the disc into my laptop anyway. Listening to his guitar strumming, I felt guilty. My desire to avoid the tense situation was overcome by my desire to be his friend. I cared too much about him to lose him. I couldn’t risk it. So that night, I signed onto Skype.

Thomas, Manny, and Stephan were all online.  This was the first time I had ever seen them all on Skype at the same time.  It had been many weeks since I had talked to Stephan. I wanted to check in, even if our conversation as just a few seconds long.

Hey… Are we cool?

Then, I double-clicked on Thomas’s name.  He rejected my call.  This should have been my first clue, but I figured it was an Internet fluke.  I waited a few minutes and double-clicked on his name once more.  Again, rejected.  Stephan still hadn’t answered.

I wrote another message to Stephan.  I really don’t understand why we can’t be friends.

This time, he answered immediately.  Because all you do is start shit with people.

I stared at the screen.  Was he writing to the wrong person?

Another message from Stephan: And I don’t really care for that.

Clearly, he was writing to me. What are you talking about?

When he didn’t respond, I wrote another message.  Just answer this question. Do you think I was involved with Thomas?

He didn’t answer again. I felt the wrinkles on my forehead. Look. I talked to some people in the last couple of weeks and I realized some things were going on that probably got misunderstood.  I hate my name being torn apart, and I just wanted to clear things up.

Immediate response: Nothing you thought was going was actually happening, so don’t worry about it.

How did he know what I thought was going on? I tried to call Thomas one more time but again, the call was ended.

Another message from Stephan: And then you have Thomas call Manny? I mean come on...

WAIT. WHAT? I did NOT have Thomas call Manny. I told him to leave Manny out of it. What the hell is happening? I felt my fingertips burn, and I started typing away line after line. Thomas told me that he told your cousin some things, and I felt bad for accusing Manny to Thomas so I realized I was probably wrong and told Thomas to leave it alone.  That’s why I never called Manny about it. I realized it had nothing to do with him all along.  I cannot even believe this right now.

He wasn’t responding.

Look. You can choose to not believe me but Thomas told me that he had feelings for me this week and that he mentioned that to Manny and so I figured Manny felt guilty for introducing me to you. I wanted to stop, but I felt it pouring out of me. This had nothing to do with playful crushes anymore.  It was about something bigger.  It was about losing face.  It was about the only thing I had left: pride.  And that night in Clearwater, we ended up at your house and Manny seemed all angry at Mimi for bringing me there so I jumped to conclusions.  And I talked to Thomas about everything because I felt like Manny was sabotaging me and then he told me about his feelings and that changed everything so I told him to forget it.

Again, silence.

I just don’t understand how this all happened.

Stephan finally answered.  Alright, well I’m out of this. Bye.

Are you for real right now?  Can we just settle this?

No, it’s settled. You made your point.

I didn’t say any of this.

I don’t want to deal with it.

Stephan, I’m telling the truth.  This has nothing to do with you and me. I’m with someone else. Why had I said that? I wasn’t thinking straight. I just needed to save face.

This time his response was delayed.  Good for you.

No, it’s not… I’m just saying. I just want you to realize that I’m not trying to get with you. I felt increasingly pathetic as I typed each lie.

Why do you care then?

I just need you to believe me.

I’m going. If you wanna say anything else, send me an e-mail. Peace.

His name disappeared off my buddy list.  He had blocked me from his list of friends. I started to type an e-mail to him, but after three lines, I deleted my words.  This is where I drew the line.  If he didn’t want to hear me out, he wouldn’t.  I would never be this girl.  How far had I bended for his approval? I’d kept lying to protect my wounded ego.  If I wrote this message now, the price I’d pay would be greater than any response I would receive.

I returned to my list of friends.  This time, I sent Thomas a message before I called. ANSWER YOUR PHONE NOW.

He picked up, his video appeared, and our conversation lasted for barely a minute.

“How could you call Manny?” I asked.  My voice was ice.

“I needed to know.”

“You couldn’t just leave it alone?”

“Look, Lily. You’ve messed everything up.”

“Excuse me? I messed everything up? Are you kidding me, Thomas?”

“After I talked to you, I talked to the girl I was dating and she dumped me because she said I was clearly still into you. So I called Manny because I couldn’t sleep for the last two nights. And he told me everything you said was a lie.”

I stared at his face on the screen. “That surprises you? Do you live in a fantasy world? Nobody would come out and admit that shit.”

“Lily, I don’t want to be involved in your drama anymore. I’m done.”

He hung up.

I signed off.  I sat there, unsure about what to do.  The only person who would understand this was the main person I couldn’t tell.  Because if Nico ever had to choose between Thomas and me, I knew what he would do.  I refused to put him in that position. I refused to be the reason he gave up his best friend.  I would not allow my mistakes to bleed into his life.

So when I got into bed, I ignored Kam’s knocks on my door.  She’d obviously heard me screaming at Thomas through our shared wall.  I turned my phone on silent when Paige called, probably Kam’s handiwork as well.  I pulled my covers over my face, resting my hands on my puffy eyes.  I was no longer falling; this was rock bottom.  I didn’t want to test whether I could go any deeper.  I swore to myself that I’d never tell Nico about what had happened, no matter how badly I needed to hear his perspective.

Starless sky

One night, I signed onto Skype for the first time in a month.  Thomas was online and seeing his name on my computer, I considered how rude it had been that I had cut him out too.  He was my brother’s best friend and he had always been loyal to me, and the moment things got sticky, I had stopped talking to him.  I double clicked on his name.

“Hey Lily.”

“Hey Thomas. Where ya been?”

“I’ve been studying like crazy.” His image appeared on the screen. His eyes were small from exhaustion.

“No way. What for?”

“LSAT.”

I nodded. “Well, I have a couple exams you can take for me if you wanna practice.”

“No thanks.”

“Ruuude.”

He smiled. “I’ve missed you.”

So he had noticed my absence. There was no way out of this discussion. “I’m sorry, Thomas. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?”

“Just stuff. Don’t worry about it.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

I looked at his face on the screen and I knew I’d missed him too.  After talking to Paige and Kam about my theories on one too many occasions, I had grown embarrassed. I’d become that girl, the desperate one that I had always mocked in movies.  I didn’t want to bother Nico, and here was Thomas, a guy I trusted, and he wanted to know what was on my mind.  He might even confirm my theory.

“I just feel kinda screwed over.”

Thomas squinted and his weary eyes got even narrower.  “By who? What happened?”

“I don’t think you’ll like it.”

“I’m listening.”

“Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I started telling him my story.  Starting with meeting Manny at the wedding so many months ago, and my pulsing gut, and his e-mails and texts and my trip to visit Stephan – I left all details out here because they felt too intimate – and I told Thomas about his birthday weekend and Manny’s texts to his cousin and his behavior.  When I was done, Thomas was wide-awake.

“You think Manny was purposely sabotaging you and Stephan?”

“Basically.”

“Do you think he liked you?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you think he might?”

“Maybe?”

He stood up now and started to pace behind his computer.

“Thomas, what’s wrong with you? Sit down.”

He opened his door, peeked into the hallway, and returned to his seat.  “Manny wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t.”

I quickly realized I had underestimated their friendship.  “Ok, I’m sorry. It’s just a theory. I could be wrong.”

“I can’t believe he would do that.”

“Thomas, maybe I was wrong. Let it go.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t believe this.”  He used his fingers to rub his eyes until they were pink.

“Thomas, you’re freaking me out.”

“I have something to tell you.”

“Ok.”

“It was my fault that Manny was messing with you and Stephan.”

My fingers clutched my desk.  “What?”

“It’s my fault.”

“So I was right?”

“I think so.  But it’s not Manny’s fault. It’s mine.”

I had to hang up. This wasn’t something I wanted to hear. “I have to go.”

“No. I need to tell you this.”

My hand was still clutching my desk. I was holding hard enough that I could feel my pulse in my nails.

“When you and Stephan started talking, I thought it would blow over.  But then you were visiting him and Manny told me and I didn’t take it well.”

“Why?”

Thomas’s face was blank on my screen.

“Thomas…”

“Because I didn’t want you to be with him.”  He took a breath. “I wanted you to be with me.”

My hand stopped clutching the desk. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I told Manny that I’ve had feelings for you for a while.”

“This has to be a mistake.”

“I know how I felt, Lily. This isn’t a mistake.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.  Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“We’re friends and you’re Nico’s sister and you’re not the easiest person to approach.  I was going to tell you but then you started talking to someone else.”

“So now you tell me?”

“Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad. I’m confused and I’m talking to this guy and I don’t know how to handle this right now and I just…”

He cut me off.  “I don’t want you to say anything back.  I know it’s too complicated so I moved on. I’m dating a girl here now.”

“Ok.”

“I’m just telling you that I think the reason Manny was getting in the way of

you and Stephan was because he felt guilty after I told him that I wanted to be with you.”

“I can’t feel my face.” I started poking at my cheekbones.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to spring this on you. I thought you knew.”

“How the hell was I supposed to know?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“I really am…for everything.”

I didn’t respond.

“I have to go Lily.”

“Wait, Thomas. This conversation stays between us.  Swear to me that you won’t talk it over with anyone.”

He seemed reluctant.  “I need to ask Manny about this.”

“No, this is private. I’m trusting you.”

He still didn’t answer.

“Thomas!”

“Ok, I promise.”

I sat on my windowsill until the early morning.  There was no moon in the sky that night, and the lights of the city made the stars invisible.  I could hear the shouting people and honking cars from the street below, but I felt like the only person in the whole city.

Going through the motions

On Tuesday night in New York City, Kam’s forehead scrunched up as she thought about the evidence I had just presented.  She hadn’t been convinced of Manny’s guilt by the fact that I had seen him text Stephan that we were too busy to see him, nor by his behavior after Stephan’s departure when he refused to talk for the rest of the night.  She said he could have been texting lots of different people.  It didn’t necessarily mean he was trying to keep Stephan and me apart.  He might have just been angry or tired or bored.  I knew she had a point, but I couldn’t explain to her that the main reason for my conclusion was my intuition.  I just knew I was right.  I could feel it – the kind of evidence that would never hold up when paired with logic.  When Nico called, I told him the story was irrelevant and I didn’t feel like talking about it.  I knew he had exams and a soap opera wasn’t good for his concentration.

A week passed and then another. It was the middle of March, and the ice was beginning to thaw on the trees.  I saw the changes around me in the city, but I was just going through the motions.  I could tell Kam was worried about me so I agreed that after exams in May, I’d fly home with her to Colorado to spend two weeks traveling.  Every time I seemed lost in my thoughts, she’d bring up the vacation she was planning for us, the road trip around the state, camping in the mountains, dozens of S’mores, endless slices of watermelon, and bowls of macaroni cheese.  I would smile and chat with her, but the only time I felt alive was when I was brainstorming with Paige about my situation.

“But they went to London together. Don’t you think Manny might have told Stephan that we were together? Maybe that’s why Stephan disappeared when he got back.”

Paige pressed her lips together. “Why would he do that?”

“Maybe he didn’t want me and Stephan to be together.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, Paige.”

“Do you think he wanted you for himself?”

“No…”

“Then why would he do that?”

“Ok, well maybe he did.”

“Make up your mind, Lil.”

“I don’t think he wanted me for himself. I just don’t think he wanted me with Stephan.”

“That makes no sense.  This is why you shouldn’t be so friendly.”

“I know.”

“You shouldn’t have talked to Manny so much.”

“I know.”

“And you definitely should have never talked to Manny about Stephan.”

“I know that, Paige.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“I mean I know that now.”

The girls didn’t seem to buy my story, but when Manny disappeared over the next months, I had faith in my beliefs.  Why would he stop texting or e-mailing me unless he knew I was onto him?  Why would he pull out of our friendship unless he felt guilty?  I felt betrayed and my patience continued to dwindle.  The anger became more about my pride than about my relationship with Stephan.  I texted Stephan a few questions along the lines of Why’d you change when you got back from London? and Are you planning on being friends with me again?  My desire to solve the mystery overpowered my need to maintain any dignity whatsoever.  As time passed and my discussions with Stephan became scarcer, I threw myself into a new pool before I drowned in my own.

I started dating a 27-year-old businessman I met in Astoria.  He was pompous and greedy, always wearing designer shirts and ordering bottles of Cristal.  I wasn’t really attracted to his physical appearance or his personality, but he was a replacement and in this way, I felt as though I was on the right track.  By end of March, we had been talking for three weeks, and the only thing I knew about him was his favorite store.

Reject-a-reaction

When we got to the beach, it was cold enough that the sand sent chills from my toes to my scalp.  Instead of peeling down to our swimsuits, Thomas ran to his car to get blankets and sweatshirts.  Thomas, Manny, and Mimi played volleyball in the sand, and I excused myself to go walk along the pier.  I sat at the edge and hung my feet over the side, watching the sand fall from my skin to the turquoise water below.  I fell into the sounds of the waves crashing against the sand and didn’t realize Mimi was shouting my name until she started hopping up and down on the shore about fifty yards away. 

Around 5 o’clock, we returned to the cars.  Mimi suggested we go for dinner.  We sat at a café along the beach.  The music was loud enough that none of us could speak much over the bass.  As we walked back to the parking lot, Manny was texting again.  I felt the urge to yell.  Instead, I climbed into Mimi’s car and shut the door behind me.  That’s probably how I missed the most important discussion of the weekend.

What I did catch was Manny’s expression and the fact that Thomas got into his car and drove away at the same time that Manny climbed into Mimi’s car.  I waited for her to get into the driver’s seat.

“Where’s Thomas going?”

Mimi started the engine. “Home, I think.  He wanted to shower.”

“Well, where are we going?”

“My house to hang out.  Thomas is gonna meet us there later.”

“Maybe I should go with him.”

She pulled onto the highway.  “He’s gone, dude.”

“He figured you didn’t wanna shower because you leaped into Mimi’s car,” Manny added.  His voice sounded strained.

I wasn’t going to admit my hasty disappearance was because of Manny.  I could still hear him texting in the backseat.  I shrugged and Mimi put her stereo on full blast.  Ten minutes later we were winding into a neighborhood.  The road was lined with large oak trees, their branches hanging over the concrete and giving the road a polished grace.  I jolted forward as Mimi pulled into a driveway and put her car on park.  The house was lined with bricks and the walls were painted a light beige.  The lawn was well kept and the stone pathway to the door reminded me of the houses in fairy tales.

“Your house is beautiful, Mimi,” I said, opening my door and swinging my feet to the ground.

“This isn’t my house.  It’s my cousins’.  We’re just dropping Manny off,” Mimi said. “Have you met Kat?”

I had placed my right hand was on the top of the roof, but it fell to my lap now.  I looked at the rearview.  Manny glared at me, his face annoyed, before he stepped out of the car and walked briskly towards the door.  Mimi got out of her seat and rounded the car to my side.

“Come on.”  She pulled my right arm, until I was up.  “Let’s go in to say hi. I’ll introduce you.”

I couldn’t breathe.  I swung one foot back into the car.

“Lily, what’s wrong with you?”

“I’ll wait here,” I whispered. “You go. Go.” I motioned her towards the door.

“Don’t be dumb.  You’ll love her.”

She tried to pull my arm but I was holding onto the car. 

“What’s wrong with you?”

I didn’t know where to start my explanation.  Manny was standing at the door, his hand was knocking.  There was no time to tell Mimi that I knew her cousins.  There was no time to tell her that I couldn’t just march into Stephan’s house.  The only other chance I had was to run, but when I looked back at the door, it was opened.  A woman with dark hair and a thin frame stood in it.  I let Mimi pull me towards her, and while we walked up the path, I ran my fingers over my eyelids and tried to fix any smeared eyeliner.

The woman at the door hugged Mimi.  Mimi pulled me forward.

“Auntie, this is Lily.”  Mimi walked into the house and left me on the porch looking up at Stephan’s mother.

“Lily,” his mother said, her eyes growing large.  “Oh, I’m sorry. Come in, please,” she added.

I stepped into the house and took a deep breath to try and compose myself but I could recognize the scent and it made last night’s nausea return but this time, it was stronger.  Mimi and Manny had settled onto the couch with a man.  The man turned, saw my face, and got up.  He walked over to me now, and Stephan’s mother spoke to him.

“Honey, this is Lily.”

“Oh, well it’s a pleasure to meet you Lily,” he said.  He was a small man with dark hair and olive skin.  I could see where Geo got his smile.

Stephan’s mother put her hand on my back and directed me towards the couch where I took a seat next to Mimi.  “What can I get you to drink? Are you hungry?”

She withdrew to the kitchen.  I heard footsteps again, and I made the mistake of assuming it was Kat returning to the couch.  When I turned my head, Stephan was standing to my right.  He was wearing black converse shoes, dark jeans, a black sweatshirt, and a backwards hat.  I refused to stand because I didn’t trust my knees, but I wouldn’t have had time anyway because he leaned down and gave me a kiss.  My cheek burned. Stephan approached Mimi and Manny to say hello and then sat at the chair a couple feet away from where I was seated. I glued my eyes to the television, even when I could feel his on me.  My pulse was racing and I began to wonder just how stressed someone had to be to go into cardiac arrest.

 Some time passed, my head was hurting from focusing so intently on the television in front of me, and the doorbell rang.  A couple relatives joined Stephan’s parents for coffee.  His parents introduced Manny, Mimi, and myself.  When they shared information on me, they mentioned that I attended an Ivy League, that I was from Cali, and that my brother had roomed with Thomas in college.  These were not details I had shared. I looked at Stephan, but now his eyes were glued to the screen.

        

When I looked back at the TV, I noticed Manny was watching me.  When he looked back to the screen, I noticed Stephan had been watching him.  I had to get out.  Where the hell was Thomas?

I stood up. “Let’s go bowling.”

The relatives and Kat were occupied in the kitchen, but both Manny and Stephan seemed to be reflecting on my awkward behavior.

“I’ll head out to the car,” I said, walking to the door.  Stephan’s parents and relatives stood up to say goodbye.  I maintained my limited composure until I got to the car.  Then, with my back to the house, I inhaled deeply and dropped by hand to my abdomen.  I tried to massage the tension free.  In a few seconds I felt myself recovering, but then there where voices behind me.  I turned around to Mimi standing in front of me.  Manny and Stephan were behind her.

“So bowling?” she repeated.

“Seems like that’s what Lily wants to do,” Manny said.

I turned back to the car and tried to open the door, but it was locked.  “I wanna use your head as a bowling ball,” I muttered.

“What?” Mimi asked, pressing the button on her key to unlock it.

“I’m just calling dibs on the best bowling ball,” I answered, pulling the door open and sitting inside.

“Oh ok.”  She turned to Manny and Stephan.

“You guys gonna follow?”

Manny walked towards Stephan’s SUV and Stephan followed, but not before looking at me.  Our eyes met, my stomach hurt, and I wished I had admitted to my mother what I’d wanted to avoid and stayed in New York City.

The bowling alley was closed so we tried going to a pool bar, but that was closing soon too.  Thomas had met us at the bowling alley where Manny had gotten out and hopped into his car, and another of Stephan’s cousins, Dean, had climbed from the back into the front seat. I had no idea when we had picked him up, but that didn’t surprise me because I was focusing all my energy in putting on an indifferent façade.  Mimi led the caravan to another bar and when this was shut too, she got out to brainstorm with Thomas and Manny. Stephan’s car hadn’t arrived yet.  I got out and leaned against my door.

“Ideas?” she said.

“We could try to go to some cafés along the beach,” Thomas suggested.

“No. This is dumb. Let’s just go home.” Manny’s voice was low.

Thomas looked at him. “Why man? It’s early.”

Mimi was still brainstorming. “We could try the Steak and Shake.”

“Sounds good.” Thomas said.

Manny got back into the front seat. “Fine. Let’s go then.”

“We gotta wait for Steph.  He doesn’t know where we’re going,” Mimi said.

“If he cared, he would have been here.  He probably went back home.” Manny shut his door.

Just then, Stephan’s car pulled into the lot and pulled in behind Mimi’s.  He leaned over Dean and looked out the front window.  “What’s the deal?”

“Steak and Shake,” Mimi said.  She got in and Stephan drove away. I had been watching Manny the whole time.  My conspiracy theories didn’t seem so far-fetched anymore.

Steak and Shake was empty, but we were loud enough to make up for this fact.  To my left, Mimi joked and laughed with Manny and Thomas.  To my right, Dean threw rolled up paper balls into Stephan’s hair.  I smiled and joined the conversations, but everything I said felt foreign.  It wasn’t me talking.  It was some insecure girl bragging about herself.  I heard myself randomly mentioning my job and my college and my social activities, and I was torn between justifying my behavior and hating the arrogant person that was talking.  I couldn’t understand why I suddenly needed recognition.  It wasn’t until later that night that I understood.  We were all in Mimi’s family room watching a movie.

Stephan had been avoiding my eyes for most of the night, and I had been avoiding his for the rest.  I was lying on the carpeted ground to the left of Mimi’s pool table and he was sitting to the right of it, by the door.  Everyone else was lounging on the couch behind us.  The lights were off and RocknRolla was playing.  I was zoned out, trying to come up with witty remarks but I heard some character say, That that starts sweet ends bitter, and that which starts bitter ends sweet.  I hated the irony.  I’d never cared about anyone knowing what I had accomplished, never needed to impress anyone until now.  But I’d never been rejected before. I didn’t know how to react to it. So to compensate, I needed to prove I was irresistible, to prove I was worth it. It was as though my past successes meant nothing if he didn’t know about them.  I stopped analyzing and reveled in the silence.

Three quarters into the movie, Stephan announced he was heading home.  He got up, rounded the pool table, and stood behind me.  He leaned down to kiss my cheek, got back on his feet, and walked to the door.  Dean stood up, they left, and the movie kept going but I couldn’t tell you how it ended.